PERHAPS

UNEDITED SAMPLE LITERARY ARTICLE
By Erine Emmanuelle Cawaling Hetrosa
IV-Sir Isaac Newton


Perhaps, there would come a time that I would no longer care to see your face and it would cease to exist even in my nightly dreams. Perhaps, there would be a moment when all my tears would dry up and stream down my face no more. Perhaps, there would be a point in time wherein all this constricting pain inside me would sink into oblivion, forever forgotten in the midst of darkness and nothingness.

The rain is falling outside, showering life all over the place. I leaned against the window sill and viewed the scenery as it unfolds before me. The constant, steady fall of the raindrops are tapping against the windowpane, breaking the stillness of the night. The familiar sounds of the night are absent while the contact of the drops with the glass creates a soothing aura, hypnotic even.

For a minute, I was standing. But then, the next minute, I was already sitting, my arms folded on the counter, my head nestled on my arms. How am I able to do things without myself knowing them?

As I look again outside, everything is in a hazy, blurry image, for the rain interferes with my vision. But I do not care. I do not even notice that much. The depths of my mind are in much more chaos than the outside. How am I supposed to care? How am I supposed to notice?

"I’d love to make you mine. ‘Cause it’s the only way to hold you in my wild imagination."

Your face, your voice, your whole being is traversing through the subconscious level of my mind, dangerously treading towards the main frame, trying to let itself out. I struggled to let myself loose from the thoughts of you. An invisible glass barrier set in place just to protect me from your memories keeps on pushing those unwanted reminiscences away. A clash was on the way, but the glass was already shattered… and I was lost.

I am transporting myself yet again to another world, a world where there is only you and me, a world where you are mine and mine alone. But that world does not exist, and most probably, never will.

I’ve been living a stupid lie. A lie that I have to put up for our friendship’s sake. A lie which, even I, myself have led to believe, or rather, I have been trying to convince myself to believe. Still struggling with the endeavor of trying to mask my feelings and clouding the verity, I keep on telling myself that I don’t love you, that you are just a friend. Just A Friend.

A sudden paroxysm shot through my heart to its very core, twisting its way deeper within, rendering me helpless, vulnerable, weak,

For a moment there, I thought that the rain had gotten closer. I shut my eyes and I felt the tears rushing down face. It was not the rain. Those were my tears which welled up beneath my lids and now falling freely, uncontrollably. But I know that even if I cry endlessly, this stabbing pain inside me will not go away. I cry, not to let the sadness go, for it never will. I cry because it is all I could do, I cry because there was nothing else I could do.

"I wish that you were here ‘cause its illusions everytime you’re close to me and sing me love songs."

Still in the middle of my reverie, I imagine you here with me. Your voice fills my soul, endlessly soothing in its repose, forever sweet in its harmonic symphony, bringing light to darkness that was brought to life by me. Light then darkness. Light for I strive to hear your voice amidst my tears, darkness for the bitter truth cannot be shunned, that your voice is not really there, that it is just a figment of my cruel imagination.

Your image fills my mind, your smiling countenance casting a ray of light upon my dimmest hour of solace. As soon as that faint light appeared, it was as quickly lost. And once again, I am slumped into nothingness and solitude.

It is still raining. I am still crying. How long will it still be? Until when will I immerse myself in the same kind of hurt over and over again? When will this folly end?

I snapped back from my trance, angrily wiping the remains of my foolishness, those unbidden tears of accepting bitter reality. I stood up, edged myself from the window and slumped down the couch. The tapping of the raindrops seemed so remote. I turned the radio on, hoping that some music would appease and tranquil my depressed nerves.

"Just give it a try, though I’m like chasing rainbows in the sky. I want to hold you in my dreams and make-believe that it’s true. Although I know, I know that it’s impossible to do. ‘Cause you’re a star, people love you as you are. You’re a million miles away from me."

I tried my best not to hurl the radio away. As once again tears continue to stream down my face, I promised myself that this would be their last fall.

Perhaps, I could soon forget you. Perhaps, I will be able to look upon your face and not have the same old feeling of bitterness inside. Perhaps, I will not love you anymore. But then again, perhaps is just perhaps… uncertain, unsure, unknown. Just perhaps