XANTHOUS CARTOLINA

UNEDITED SAMPLE LITERARY ARTICLE
By Ma. Inna Paulina Egamino Palana
III-Wilhelm Roentgen


A gentle breeze that touched my cheeks told me the time of merriment is about to arrive. The noisy sound of tansans and the beating rhythms of plastic drums tell me something great is about to come. “Ang pasko ay sumapit! Tayo ay mangagsi-awit! ”

It is true. Christmas is coming, closer and closer as each day passes by. Yet will I be happy? I asked myself while I stood besides sleeping beauty, looking at her halcyon face, and hoping that Flora, Fauna and Mary Weather would come along with the Prince to wake her up… but no sign of them. Then, it rained and cold it was yet I feel like burning after being tranquil all night long. Cheerful smiles pass by, yet I can’t even move a single muscle to so the same thing, instead my eyes do the work as sluggish droplets fall down from my withering eyes. Then, the memoire of her last words flashes back as I recall them, for it was just a simple moment of ordinary time.

It was already three in the morning, and I am still awake, fully awake, finishing some theater business. Eight hours remain before our “Pocahontas in Mindanao” presentation. I was perturbed, yet excited. Perturbed for what the presentation’s outcome would be, and excited for I know, I did my job as their director, and I know they will also do their part as actors. Eight hours before the judgment momentum. I was in complete nausea, butterflies in my stomach. Then, I suddenly realized, “Cartolina! Yes! I need a cartolina!” Slowly, I creep from my room, to the stairs, down to the store, trying not to wake anyone from their beds. Warily step by step. Finally, I made it. Under the glassless window is where those cartolinas are placed. I tried to reach for one, and again, I tried not to wake someone up. It was my grandmother whose room was near the store. But, I failed. Impetuously, I reached for the cartolina but accidentally did it slipped from my sweaty hands and fell and made a noisy sound since it dropped to where the other cartolinas are. One click sound and a white light filled the room. “Inna? Anak, gabi na ah. Wag ka mgapuyat. Anu ba kukunin mo?” Then I replied, “Nanay, ‘yung cartolina po. Nahulog po kasi.” She bent down, reached for my yellow cartolina and handed over to me. “Ito na o. Matulog ka na. Good night!” There was a sweet smile in her face that made me smile back, that made me realize how it erases my mixed perplexing emotions. After that short moment, I went upstairs, placed the yellow cartolina inside my bag, and then went silently to sleep.

Maybe, at that time, I thought it was not that worth remembering. The cartolina slipped from my hand, it fell, made a noise and woke my grandmother – absolutely frivolous. But I was wrong. It was an unprecedented event and I never thought that that moment would be something that I hopped would be repeated once more, and perhaps, I will never let to end. Nostalgia comes over me whenever I will see a yellow cartolina because it was the reason why that moment happened. Days after that night, she had a stroke that made her hospitalized. Almost everyone had made a visit… everyone but me. My father didn’t allow me to take a visit. I would volunteer to sleep overnight just once, still he would say no. He always tells me I would never like the environment; that the hospital was crowded, and somewhat not that scrutinized like the other hospitals. In response to my father, I would always tell him I don’t care as long as I can take care and be aware of my grandmother’s condition. But still, he refuses me to go.

Mid of December, my cousin who’s working in Dubai arrived, but as soon as she landed from the airport, she hurriedly went to my grandmother. They said my grandmother pulled out the long tube inserted in her nose just to be able to talk to my cousin. Those times, I often forgot that my grandmother was sick for I was always having fun with my friends or with my family… until New Year arrived.

It was already 1 am of December 31, 2007, last hours of the year. I can’t sleep; I feel unease, like someone or something’s pinching my back that made me stand up several times. First I thought, maybe there were dust mites for the cushion wasn’t that cleaned yet. So, I get the pillow and tried to clean away those mites, but still, that uneasiness doesn’t run off. I tried myself to sleep, searching for the most comfortable position in that indignant mediocre divan. Though late to bed, still early to rise, for I thought someone was waking me up, like shaking me off until I open my eyes yet see no one. It was already 8 am, the golden rays of sunshine had touched my sleeping features. I stood up from the sofa and started to watch the television when suddenly my tummy ached. My aunt saw me and asked why my cheek is so pale; I told her everything like my sleeping problem and the ache I am encountering. She told me to buy a pineapple juice at the store nearby so, without any second thoughts, I went straight to the store. As I was walking, suddenly a black butterfly landed silently on my shoulders, stayed for a while, then fly away again. At that moment, emotions flashed, yet I told myself, “It’s not what you are thinking Inna. It is not. She will be alright, she will be fine.” Those words were kept repeating inside my head when another thing happened: a black cat jumped in front of me when I was about to enter the gate. I was shocked, terrified, and wanted to cry. I was already thinking of something that I don’t want to believe so I still kept telling myself that SHE is alright.

She’s alive, she’s fine and I will see her soon, welcoming me in her warm embrace. But, those crazy things occurring to me doesn’t end with that black cat, for as soon as I enter the living room, I always accidentally address everyone “Nanay” before their real name, like when I asked my uncle what time is it, I said “Nanay-I mean tito, what time is it?”. But still, I maintained an optimist. She’s strong, she’s undaunted, and I know for sure, I will still see her warm smile. Being perplexed at that moment, I called my mom in our house and asked how Nanay is doing. She said she’s fine. That answer made me back to breathe.

At night, everything was dynamic. Fireworks can be seen lighting up the sky; kids in the streets playing with their lusis; men and women shouting at the top of their lungs, hoping to drive away evil spirits that will penetrate their humble abode. I was there; sitting in a little nook, befuddled by my sentiments for something keeps me bothered but can’t eloquently express. I tried my best to enjoy the evening for that is the only holiday our family is gathered all together to celebrate an occasion. I was ecstatic in every game. Then, the game for the hundred dollar money started. Two lucky winners will have it each. My brother and I was the last to pick from the bowl. I know I won’t win. I was never lucky in situations like these. But something turned upside down. I opened the petite paper and read, “You won.” I was in complete shock. Who’s the other one? Guess it would be one of my uncles, for they were in uproar. My aunt, who’s going to give the winner its prize, asked who’s who and two voices echoed the room saying, “I am”. It was I… and my brother. Everyone was in silence. My mom was delighted. I don’t know why they had that reaction it their face, like it was something shocking. They’re not like that for the previous years, so I became bemused, but thing is for sure: My brother and I won. After that, my mom is already telling us to go home. I said, “Mom, why go home when we’re still having fun?” Still, she insists to go, so we did what we’re told. I packed my things, say good byes to my cousins, aunts and uncles and rode a taxi to our way home.
I got confused why we took a different way home. The road is heading in a church, where the taxi stopped. I thought my mom didn’t brought enough money to pay the taxi so we will just walk from here to our house. But I was wrong. After paying the taxi, my mom looked at me, with face so blank, then told me something that broke my inside into shards, “Si Nanay Liling ay patay na.”

I was outraged, indignant; I felt a thousand knives stroke me, altogether; I felt like so insolent for I didn’t even tried to pay a visit while she’s confined. I felt wrath that I thought I could devastate anything that comes my way as I run to see her lying in complete tranquility in a bed of white roses. I turned to my mom and asked, “Why didn’t you told me earlier?!” They said they didn’t want to ruin my New Year. I can’t believe myself; someone dearest to me passed away yet where is I? I am in a party enjoying every minute instead of giving respect to my dearest grandmother.

Now I know whose pinching my back, for at that time she was running out of breath. Now I know who woke me up early, for at that time, she passed away. Now I know who guided our hands for be able get the papers labeled with “You Won” and why all of my relatives had that reaction, for that time, she’s with Him already. How this thought made me melancholy, that she’s with me all the time for she knows, I’m the only one who’s not with her before she goes with the Lord. She said her goodbyes by being my guardian angel at that night, and being the sun’s rays that touches me in the morning. Adieu to the days when we will chat about your teenage romance that keeps you kilig every time. Adieu to the days when you will make me new simple skirts or shorts or even pillow covers made out of unused cloths or uniforms. Adieu to the days when you will open up the gates for me to enter when I come home from school, then jokes me around, or tell me how tall or exhausted I look like. Adieu to the days when you will teach me little Waray, and use it while talking to you. Adieu to the days when you will take care o me when I am sick in bed. Adieu to the days when we’re together.

But your memories will never be gone with the wind. You gave me strength that keeps me undaunted. I know you’re never gone; I can still feel that you’re guiding me as I venture my new life once more. Thank you for everything that you have done to me.

The night after her funeral, I can barely sleep. I hugged the pillow she made for me. Suddenly, I recalled the lullaby she used to sing to me when I was a child that always made me sleep, so I played it in my head once more. “Tulog na innapot, tulog na innapot, tulog na, tulog na. Si nanay nandito, tulog na”. And just like last time, I slowly fell asleep.