LAST REGRETS

UNEDITED SAMPLE LITERARY ARTICLE
By Karez Amparo Martin
IV - Michael Faraday


As expected, the sparkling glints of the sun that reflected on almost everything around me blinded me. I was struggling to walk, while my hand tried to protect my eyes from the bedazzling gleams of the flaring star. My hand, still on my forehead, also tried to conceal the tears that streamed down my cheeks. I wiped my face with my handkerchief every once in a while, for the sole purpose of drying my already damp cheeks. This is one of the longest walks I have ever had in my life. And each step seemed a struggle for survival to me.

The memory of the moment I deciphered my sister’s text message about the sudden death is still as clear as water to me. I was befuddled, I was shocked. I did not know that losing someone so important to you, for good, felt like that. I did not allow the thought of never seeing her smiling or even blinking again to sink into me completely. I cannot bear to think what her lifeless body would have looked like. When I had realized that she was already gone, and that she already left us forever, I tried to hide the pain with a sheepish smile. My classmates attempted to comfort me, though I said I was okay. I cannot let anyone see the weakness I kept inside of me. The weakness that caused all those tears I wept as I was on my way home that day.

She has always been my comfort zone. Since I was a little kid, I have always run to her whenever I had those little fights with my mother. And being the sympathetic aunt that she has always been, she would dry my tears and grant me treats like chocolates, candies or ice cream. She won’t stop until I smile happily. Though some of her jokes were not really funny for a child like me, I would eventually laugh the moment I hear her funny cackle. Surprisingly, regardless of how noisy or annoying her laughter can be for some, they are like music to my ears. Especially now, for I long to hear her laughter again, her laughter with all its sharps and surprising flats, not the faint laugh that she had been forcing during her last breathing days.

We have already arrived. Everything is all set, but I am not sure if everyone is or will ever be ready for an event like this. That immense, terrifying and deep hole in the middle of the bountiful flowers and the pure white chairs is already waiting for her coffin. Looking at the empty and murky hole sent an enormous number of chills down my spine. I do not want her to be put underneath, where she will be all alone. I do not want her to leave and go to a place unknown to me. I do not want her to be away from me permanently.

She was like a second mother to me; she loved me like her very own daughter. Since she was not blessed with children, she treated all her nieces and nephews like her own. I enjoyed having two mothers whenever my aunt was around. She would always make us her delicious experimental recipes, give us heart-warming presents during our birthdays, give us pieces of advice regarding life, encourage us to always pray, tell us funny and silly stories, and always give us aguinaldo during Christmas. Her heart was too soft that it was unbearable for me to watch her suffer. Her cancer killed her slowly, bit by bit. I was there when walking became a difficult task for her. I was there when even sitting up became impossible for her. I witnessed how helpless her condition had been. I was there when she was suffering because of the excruciating pain her sickness had caused her, and I was not able to do anything to ease even a tiny bit of her pain. I was not even able to tell her how much grateful I am for all the tender and loving care she gave to me. How much blessed I am for having her as my aunt. I was not even able to bid her goodbye before she finally passed away. I should have been there by her side; it was the least thing I could have done.

As her coffin unhurriedly descended to the dark, scary hole, I took my last glance of her lifeless form. She has this calm expression, maybe to tell me that she’ll be alright wherever she was going. Tears hurried from my eyes, mostly because of regret and sorrow. I could have said at least goodbye to her that morning, but I was too lazy to do so. I could have told her how sorry I am for not being able to help her when I know I can. I could have told her to always keep herself safe, just so she at least had an idea how much I care for her. I could have told her I love her, just so she will know how afflictive her death had been for me. I could have let her know how much all of us value her, and how much she’ll be treasured in our hearts forever. I could have, but I have only done nothing. The saying has been right all along. We won’t really know how important a person is, until we finally lose him or her.. forever.