LOOK AWAY

UNEDITED LITERARY ARTICLE
By Karenina Isabel Apilado Lampa
IV - Michael Faraday


People always come and ask me why. Why him? They tell me I could do so much better. They tell me that I deserve someone who would willingly reciprocate the love that I can give. They tell me that I should let go and move on. Move on to a better place.

But here is something they just can’t understand...I don’t care if I’m miserable, or if I’m reaching the point of total depression. I don’t care if he doesn’t notice that I’m still here, waiting for him to return. I just don’t care anymore.

Contrary to what other people may believe, I do know that he doesn’t feel for me anymore. Sure, he still spends time with me. Sure, he laughs with me. Sure, he always insists that I’m still the only one, but he just needs time. But whenever I do try to look him in the eye, all I see is the painful truth that I’m nothing but a mere memory. I’m nothing but his past. And no matter how hard he’d try to convince himself that I could be his present, the look in his eyes says it all. It’s just impossible now.

That’s why I look away. His eyes are the real thing. I don’t know how long it would take me before I fall into an endless pit of misery, if I ever look into his eyes again. That’s why I always tell myself, “Look away”.

They ask me why I just won’t let go, if it pains me so much. Why can’t you just try to be happy for once? I just smile at them and tell them the truth. “I’m happy when I’m with him. Isn’t that enough?”

I don’t know why, but just his presence makes my days light up. It doesn’t matter if he’s with another girl, well sure, it would hurt like hell. But when he approaches me and sits next to me, I forget everything else but him. He makes me happy in ways he’ll never understand. He makes me feel bliss so much, that all the hurt and pain I’ve gone through just slips into an empty hole. And then when he leaves his place next to me, the pain comes back. The bitter truth then hits me on the head...His eyes aren’t the same as before. I then remind myself, “Look away”.

They tell me that I spend a quarter of my time being happy with him, another quarter of my time thinking of being with him, and half of my time crying over him. They tell me to give myself a rest. They tell me to find someone who won't make me cry a river. If he ever does, he'll be sure to be the one who'll wipe the tears away.

They may not know it, but I feel so much better when I cry. All the feelings enclosed in my body just escape, freeing me from a burden so heavy that sometimes, I just stop and wish for the end. I cry for our lost love, and I’m not ashamed of that. At least I know that I’ve loved truly, for even once in my life. Who knows? Someday, he might come back and be there to stop the tears from falling.

Then I shake my head and smile sadly. His eyes won’t ever look my way anymore. It just wouldn’t. And then I feel the urge to look at those dark eyes, only to mentally kick myself. I remind myself yet again, “Look away”.

So when they stop asking the questions and turn to leave me, I know it’s my turn to ask myself yet again. Why? Why do I still insist on staying when I know that it will only hurt me to no end?

I close my eyes and admit the painful reality. I’m just waiting for him to find someone, someone who’ll be able to love him more than I did....who’ll be able to love him more than I do.

He needs someone to care for him. He’s alone, and no one knows it. Only I do. Sure, he’s happy with his friends. He acts all strong and brave on the outside, but I know better. Deep down, he needs someone who’ll put up with him. Someone who won’t turn away at the first time he might hurt them.

I know I’m only hurting myself by staying, but I know it will hurt me more to see him with someone who won’t be able to give him the love that he needs. The love that he so desperately seeks.

I’m still here. I’ll stay with him until he’s able to find that someone who’ll make him eternally happy. Only then can I peacefully move on with my life. I just want to be sure that someone would be there before I leave. I don’t want to see him alone. I don’t want to see him hurt. It’s enough that one of us is dying. Should it really be both of us?

As time passes, it gets harder and harder to stay. With every minute that passes me by, it gets harder and harder to look away from his eyes. What if I make the mistake of looking into his eyes...into his soul? I might fall and never be able to get back up again. I know the truth, but I don’t want to see it. If I do, I might leave unwillingly. And I can’t leave him...not yet.

So as he sits next to me, he holds my hand. I smile and look down. I remind myself, “Look away”.

And I tear up once he leaves my side, as I realize something I’ve known all along. It would take me an eternity before I’ll find someone who’ll be able to love him more than I did.

Because no one would be able to love him more than I did....No one would be able to love him more than I do.
And I remind myself once more, “Look away”.