LOVING WITH A BLACK HEART

UNEDITED SAMPLE LITERARY ARTICLE
By Kevin David Balanay Bulanhagui
IV - Enrico Fermi


You are simple, and your simplicity makes you grand. You are so simple yet so real. What you say is what you feel. What you do is what you really are. Yes, simply beautiful, but much more than meets the eye. With your every move you amuse me, with your every smile you enthrall me, and with your every breath you capture me. I really can’t understand what it is so special with you, what reason my heart does have which I cannot seem to know. I know it is absurd, to be thinking there could be you and me but I can’t help it anymore – I’m falling desperately in love with you - and it kills me to know, that the deeper I fall for you, the more impossible we could be. Deeper and deeper, that the more I sink myself into loving you, the more drowned I become.

What hurts more is to know that the only thing I’ve been wishing for is the only matter I would be deprived of. I could barely imagine a life without you. Oh, I could imagine it, but the scene would be full of despair, misery and disquietude, one I wouldn’t be able to exist in. And it hurts; it so damn right hurts because it is what might really happen and then I wouldn’t be able to shun that horrible fate.

Sometimes, your laughter makes me cry because I know I cannot laugh with you. I know I won’t ever be a part of that mirth you always have with your company. And what made it more painful is the fact, that whatever joy you experience now, deep inside I know I could make you damn happier.

Yes, I am insane. And this insanity had been haunting me for nights. It might be that I am already a madman because what I was considering to be absurd then am I now considering to be expedient. And now I am thinking the most ludicrous lunacy in my head: I would tell you I love you, and you would say you love me too - knowing in reality, there will there be no such reply.

Do you know that I strive to live, in the same reason I could fight to die? It’s because I love you. You see, living is harder, because there is no life without suffering but there be death like sleeping. And so, I could die for you, but living in this world is much harder and so my love I would rather live with you, for you.

It’s sad to think however, that no matter how much I give, nothing would buy me you. It is also hard to accept that I will never be happy again, not without you. In the end, there would remain only a vague truth: that happiness is a choice. But you shall know that I chose to be unhappy… just so I could choose you.