NO MATTER HOW

UNEDITED SAMPLE LITERARY ARTICLE
By Colene Pabruada Cabaliza
IV - Isaac Newton


Gazing outside my window, I saw multitudes of joyful faces. Alone, I closed my eyes and forced a smile. I wished to be as happy as everyone else, but the excruciating feeling I have inside is really intolerable. The tears imprisoned in my eyes longed for the freedom and the silenced shouts of pain in my heart pleaded to be heard. I tried to ignore the deafening cries inside me but this unbearable torment made its way out, and in my moments of solitude, tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably. I cannot understand why I am deeply anguished, or maybe I just do not want to accept the reason why.

As I ponder about the root of this torturing vine strangling me, I do not want to believe that all these pain could trace its way back to you.

The first time I saw you, I did not sense anything extraordinary. You were just a mere face who crossed my way. I did not experience this so called “floating” feeling or saw you amidst a shower of flowers. There were no sparkles, glitters or fireworks, either. I just simply got to know you. There were no manifestations or even a teensy weensy clue that you will be someone that I will learn to treasure and to care for so much. However, as the days go by, I learned to appreciate your presence. I have learned to like your smile. I became pleased just to hear your voice. At first I thought that I am having these unusual yet wonderful feelings merely because I wanted you to be my friend. Time hastily passed and I realized that I was wrong. I never knew the reason why I learned to like you. I lied to myself. I never wanted to think that I am learning to care a lot for you. I tried hard not to recognize the feelings I have inside for you. And lastly, I attempted not to admit to myself that I am falling in love with you.

But I could no longer deceive myself. I have to be honest and stop denying what I feel. I admitted to myself how much I love the way your eyes shine and your smile radiates. I ended lying about how I cherish every simple thing that transpired between us. I confessed the truth that by plainly seeing you, it makes my day of worth. I became true and sincere to myself, and I know that I really fell in love with you.

The terrible thing is, as I fell, you were not there for me. I hit the ground and I broke my heart. The bitter reality struck me even deeper as I contemplated about my feelings for you: I cared for you, I worried a lot about you, I always thought of you and I loved you. The agonizing pain inside me worsened and I felt severely miserable. It is so hurting within to think that even I love you so much, it seems that you were not able to feel even a speck of my love for you. I gather strength from your smile, but you never smiled for me. I wanted to hear your voice, but your lips were always shut for me. It would be so unlikely that you will be spending time for me, for I suppose that you consider moments with me as a waste of your time. As I delve deeper into my memories of shattered thoughts, I cried even harder and felt the stabs, pierces and tortures tearing my already-broken heart more and more.

I wanted to shout my silent agony. I wanted you to hear my stifled cries. I wanted to ask you a lot of things. How could you not feel my care and concern? How could you not recognize my love for you? Are you pretending not to notice my feelings for you? Or are you really that numb and cold?

The genuine cause of my suffering came to my realization: It is because no matter how much I care about you, you will appreciate nothing. No matter how much I would treasure you, you will do nothing. No matter how much I would love you, you will feel nothing. It hurts a lot because you do nothing. Absolutely nothing for me. You never cared or even pretended that you care. And with this realizations dawning on me, nothing could describe the pain I have felt.

I opened my eyes and wiped my tear-stricken face. I gazed outside my window once again; and found that the joyful faces I saw earlier were already gone. I stared blankly at the horizon, and found myself thinking about you all over again. I loathed myself for this, but I could never lie; from the moment I closed my eyes and the moment I opened it, nothing has changed. I still love you and I will. No matter how much it hurts.