IF ONLY

UNEDITED SAMPLE LITERARY ARTICLE
By Karenina Isabael Apilado Lampa
IV - Michael Faraday


As I lay awake at night, staring up at the ceiling and pondering over the things that has happened in the last few months, I could not help but think of the things that should have happened, the things that could have happened, and the things that would have happened.

For one, if only I had been brave enough to fight for you like I should have, maybe then I wouldn’t have these sleepless nights, waiting for a call that won’t ever come. I know it’s pathetic and I know it’s useless, but I continued to hope and wait, wishing that one of these nights, as I lay still on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, I would be shaken out of my stillness and opened up to reality.

If only...

...I had not taken everything about us for granted, the way you always stood behind my back, ready to catch me if I ever fall. The way you always held my hand wherever, never wanting to lose sight of me. The way you would protectively wrap your arms around me whenever you would feel the need to...then maybe I wouldn’t be longing for your hold right now. I’ve tried desperately searching in the dark, wishing and hoping away that in the midst of it, you would come and find me. But up until now, I’m still alone in the dark, rooted to my very own spot, never knowing how to go on.

If only...

...I had spent every moment with you as if it was the last, cherishing even the smallest of times that we spend together, remembering the melodic sound of your voice as you laugh at my silliest jokes, remembering the way your eyes would flicker to mine nervously whenever you were worried...then maybe I wouldn’t be regretting that I expected it all to last forever. Up until now, I cannot help but tear up inside, knowing that I could never go back to those moments. I knew...they were lost.

And if only...

...I had been able to make you feel how much I truly loved you, not just for what you did for me, or for what you’re able to make me feel...but just for being who you really are. The way you are able to be mad at me whenever I crossed the line, or the way you know if you hurt me and things you do to make up for it, I loved you completely for that.

But during the times we’ve been together, I never saw it as a need to remind you how much I loved you. I thought you knew it all along, but I could not have been any more wrong. It was only the day when you turned your back on me that I realized how much I’ve failed you.

Every morning when I wake up, I find it hard to ever face another day again. You have become a part of my life, and when you left, you took away the half of me.

If only I had not been so foolish, then maybe your voice would still be the first thing that would greet me as you call me on my phone, waking me up to a new day.

If only...